Fili's Beard
by GublerRussia
Summary: Crack! A witch comes to Erebor and steals Fili! Now the company must go save him. Fili/Kili pairing. Contains mild violence and some swearing.


**Alright Hobbit fans I have some important information for you. Just about everyone thinks that Kili is younger than Fili. I have read the Hobbit book and it clearly says that Fili is the youngest. People probably think Kili is the youngest because he has no beard but he is the older brother. I understand if you thought Fili was older but he's not so you can now adress the Durin brothers correctly. The more you know.**

Once upon a time there was a wicked old witch. She was a nasty woman with a bad temper and great power. She was the ugliest in all of middle earth but she was convinced she was the most beautiful. Her favorite thing to do was steal and trick people out of fine clothes and shoes for herself to wear. She would adorn herself in fine robes and jewelry, flouncing around and singing about her so called beauty. She would wander far and wide to show people how grand she was and to discover things to increase her already filled wardrobe.

One day the ugly witch wandered into Erebor, the great city under the lonely mountain where the great dwarf Thorin ruled. She was amazed at all the beautiful jewels and gold that the dwarves shaped into beautiful items. She was most enthralled, of course, with the jewelry that she found in shop windows and upon the bodies of townspeople. She particularly liked the silver fastenings that the richer dwarves used to hold the braids in their beards. She decided she must have one for her own long scraggly beard and maybe even one for her curly mustache.

"But why stop there? I could have thousands of beautiful jewels to wear if I just find the right dwarf!" She said to herself in her old raspy voice. She would find the greatest jewelry maker in this kingdom and steal them away so that they would make her jewelry whenever she wanted. The old hag asked the townspeople who made the finest jewelry out of all the dwarves. Everyone she asked pointed up to the castle and said that Fili, a dwarf with golden hair and cousin of their wondrous king, was by far the greatest of all jewel crafters.

The witch disguised herself like one of the servants of the castle using magic and slunk inside. However she was at a loss, the castle was very vast and it would take forever to find this Fili! But then the witch came upon some luck, for she saw a little hobbit talking to a dwarf he referred to as Kili.

"This Kili must be the brother of Fili! Perhaps he will lead me to him." She rasped peeking around the corner at the handsome dwarf. He bade the hobbit farewell and headed down the hall the witch sneaking close behind. She was pleased to fine that Kili was going to his bedroom which he shared with his brother.

"Brother have you seen my oak bow?" He asked a golden haired dwarf who sat reading next to a large fireplace.

"That is him judging by those beautiful locks. They shine bright like golden treasure!" She rasped enviously wishing that her own black hair would shine like his. She quickly hid behind a tapestry while Kili sat in a chair and the two brothers talked for a few moments. She clicked her nails impatiently against the stone wall waiting for Kili to leave.

"Well then I'll see you at dinner." Fili said as his brother rose from his chair . The witch watched the two excitedly, Kili was leaving! Now she could kidnap Fili and force him to make her beautiful jewelry. She watched as Kili leaned down and gave his brother a long, and not exactly closed mouth kiss. She smiled evilly knowing how she could get Fili to come with her without having to waste much of her precious magic.

"Good bye my love." Fili said as Kili left their large room. The witch waited a few minutes before she jumped out from her hiding place with a growl.

"I am a great and powerful witch and you are coming with me Fili!" She anounced putting on her most wicked face.

"I am not going with you!" Fili cried rising up and pulling out his dagger. "Be gone ugly hag." He demanded pointing the weapon at her threatingly.

"How dare you! I am the most beautiful woman that ever lay upon the earth! And every beautiful women deserves fine jewelry and so you shall be my private jeweler. I will lock you up in a high tower and you will make me whatever I desire!" She declared with a snarl.

"Never!" Fili said running at her with the knife.

"If you don't do as I say I shall eat your brother!" She cried menacingly.

"You'll what?!"

"I'll cut him up and put him in a stew. He looks very tasty I think I will eat him with some fine wine."

"I'll kill you first!" Fili yelled raising his knife.

"You had better put down your blade or I will kill him this instant! You see I have control of him." She said pointing her crooked finger to the window. Fili looked out to see that Kili was in the yard practicing with his bow. Suddenly his arms shot up and his arrow went flying far to the right of the target. He looked at his hands with a confused expression but just shrugged and went to retrieve the arrow. "I will make him shoot his self through the heart and then you can watch as I eat him for my supper." The witch hissed.

"No don't! I'll go with you." Fili said dropping his knife in defeat. And so the witch and Fili stole away into the night and went to a forest far from the lonely mountain. The witch built a giant tower around herself and the dwarf so that there was no entrance. By the time she'd finished building the tower Fili's beard had grown many miles long for she put a spell on it so it couldn't be cut. She built a window at the very top of the tower and placed a large hook just outside it for Fili to loop his hair on.

"I will use your beard like a rope to get in this tower. When I shout 'Fili, Fili let down thy beard' you will place your hair on this hook and I will climb up unless I have my broom with me so that I can fly in."

"I will." Fili said sadly.

* * *

Two years passed and Fili stared out of his window longingly.

"I miss Erebor and my books. I miss Bilbo and uncle and most of all Kili!" He cried to himself desperately. He sighed knowing he could never leave and went back to making the witch a new bracelet for her saggy arm.

"Fili, Fili let down thy beard!" He heard a distant voice from far below cry. He let down his beard and winced as it was tugged relentlessly. The witch was fast however and soon the pain was done and he pulled his beard back into the tower.

"What is it my witch?" He asked as politely as he could. If he was rude he wouldn't get food, he learned that the hard way.

"I have brought your dinner. And to remind you to only let your beard down if you hear the exact call I just yelled to you."

"Of course what other call would I listen to?" Fili asked as he etched a small flower into the bracelet.

"Somehow tales of you have spread to nearby villages. They say a dwarf with a golden beard is trapped inside here and that his beauty shines like the sun. Though they are wrong for you are such and ugly creature." The witch spat scornfully. "Someone must have saw you one day you are no longer allowed to go to your window!"

"But my witch!"

"Hold your tongue! Just remember not to answer to any call but my own! Soon people will have discovered who you really are and call Fili to you but you must not answer or I'll eat your brother up!"

"Yes my witch." Fili said sadly looking down at his busy hands. He'd give almost anything to get out of that dreadful tower.

* * *

Bilbo gave out a shout from the trees up ahead. As usual he was sent as a look out, all the dwarves were to loud for such a job.

"I've found the tower! The tales are true!" He said excitedly hurrying back to his husband and friends.

"I hope the tales are indeed true." Thorin said solemnly following the hobbit out to the clearing where the tower stood. He missed his nephew dearly and had searched far and wide for him the past two years.

"Fili! Fili are you up there!?" Kili called out desperately cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify his cries.

"Fili!" Dwalin shouted as loud as he could, he had the strongest voice of all the dwarves.

"Whoever is out there must really want to court me." Fili said to himself in surprise. Sadly he didn't recognize their voices because they were simply to far away for him to hear properly.

All the dwarves called out but Fili just contuined making a fine necklace of rubies.

"He's not here Kili." Bofur said sadly. Kili nodded and slumped down into the dirt.

"We'll never find him." He sobbed. Just then Bilbo came scrambling down from his look out tree and fell ontop of Thorin who had been standing just below.

"Ouch! Darling you're harder than a sack of rocks!" Bilbo complained rolling off his king.

"Don't fall on me and you won't have that problem." Thorin replied lifting Bilbo up on his feet. "What is wrong my love?"

"There is someone coming and the're riding atop a warg!" He cried fretfully.

"No problem." Gloin gruffed as he pulled out his axe.

"Wait! Lets hide and see what they are doing here." Kili said. "Maybe there is a secret way in the tower and we can look and make sure Fili isn't there ourselves."

"Alright everyone behind those boulders." Thorin said pointing to the right. He knew that Kili would not give up until he saw for himself what was in that tower, he would do anything to find his brother. The dwarves and Bilbo watched as a hideous witch came into veiw riding a large warg. She dismounted from the animal and then stabbed it through the heart with a short sword.

"I no longer have use of you ugly beast." She said tossing the sword aside. She turned towards the tower and looked up at the window. "Fili, Fili let down thy beard!" She cried. The dwarves and Bilbo watched in shock as long golden tresses fell to the ground and the ugly hag began to climb up the tower with it.

"He is here!" The dwarves whispered among themselves watching in awe as the witch climbed through the window. Kili was practically foaming at the mouth waiting for the witch to leave so he could go up to see his lover/brother. Soon the witch shot out of the window flying on a broom.

"Typical." Balin said watching the witch fly away. Thorin was about to tell the company to wait a few minutes to make sure the witch was gone but Kili had already run to the base of the tower. He shook his head but followed his heir to the tower the company following behind.

"Fili, Fili let down thy beard!" He shouted at the top of his voice. Fili's shining beard cascaded down the wall and Kili gripped it frantically. He began to scale the tower the company looking on with hope in their eyes.

"Ow! Ouch, ow! How much weight could she have gained in the last two minutes!" Fili cried tears pricking his eyes. "And why can't she just fly back in instead of torturing me so?" He complained as his beard was tugged harshly. Soon Fili could hear the grunts of a man and his eyes widened in fear. A man was climbing his beard! "No I don't want to be courted! Only my brother can have me! Get off of my beard you fatty!" He yelled running backwards hoping it would shake the stranger off.

"Fuck!" Kili cried grabbing the sill of the tower window and propelling himself inside. He landed on the floor in a heap of hair,fur, and armor. He was about to get up when Fili started beating him with a broom!

"Get out of here you beast! I shant be courted!" Kili growled and jumped up pushing Fili to the ground.

"It's me! And I am not a fatty." He said crossly looking down at his startled brother.

"Kili!" He cried in joy embracing his lover.

Nori looked up at the tower anxiously along with the other dwarves on the ground below. First Kili had almost fallen off and now nothing was hapening at all. It had been at least four minutes since he had hurled inside but nothing was happening...

"What is taking him so long." Nori demanded.

"I have a good guess." Dwalin said cupping his hands around his mouth so he could yell up. "Stop making out and come to the window you tree shaggers!" He roared.

"Dwalin!" Bilbo said crossly. Dwalin just shrugged and contuined to glare at the window.

Kili removed his tongue from his brothers mouth and the two looked at each other with amused grins. Kili climbed off his brother and helped him up making sure to let his hands linger.

"Calm down baldy here we are!" Kili yelled down as he and Fili stuck their heads out. The dwarves and hobbit below cheered when they saw Fili.

"Hello everyone!" He cried down happily. He could finally go home! "Wait... how am I going to get home." Fili asked turning to Kili. "There's no way out of the tower except the broom and I can't fly cleaning tools!"

"Don't worry we'll think of something." Kili said rubbing his lovers shoulder trying to calm him. "How about we cut your beard off and use it as a rope?"

"Idiot you don't think I've already tried that!" Fili cried smacking Kili over the head.

"Ouch what was that for?"

"She put a spell on it so it can't be cut stupid. I know how to reverse it but I can't exactly make the potion in here can I? No ingredients or a cauldron."

"We'll have uncle make it for us and bring it up." Kili said after a moment of thinking.

"Isn't it nice using your head?" Fili asked.

"Thats it!" Kili pounced on his brother pushing him onto the bed. "You're going to get it now!" He began to tickle Fili who laughed and squirmed helplessly as Kili held his hands above his head.

"N-no stop! I'm s-s-sorry!" He stammered as he was tickled relentlessly. Soon the tickles began to turn to heavy petting and Fili started to gasp with pleasure. Before they could get far Dwalin was yelling at them again. Kili groaned and got up going to the window.

"I can't help it if he's irresistible!" He yelled down. Fili threw a pillow at his back in response and giggled when Kili stared at him.

"Going to attack me again?" He asked breathlessly making sure to lay in the sexiest position possible. Kili moaned and looked away quickly.

"As much fun as that is we should probably get out of here. How about we play while they make the potion?"

"Well hurry up and tell them!" Fili said excitedly. Kili chuckled and poked his head back out the window informing the company of their plan.

"There is no way in hell anyone is climbing my nephews beard!" Thorin shouted in response, not that anyone looked like they wanted to.

"Thorin we have to get him down some how." Bilbo said suprised that Thorin was opposed to what he thought was a good plan.

"This is my nephew we are speaking of." Thorin said looking at Bilbo in suprise.

"Thorin, Bilbo is still not completly accustomed to our ways." Bofur reminded the king. "Dwarves beards are very important to them." He said turning to the hobbit.

"I know that but there's no other way to get up their with the potion. And besides, Kili climbed up."

"That's diffrent. Touching another dwarves beard is a very intimate gesture, only mates touch each others beards." Bilbo went red remembering how Thorin had let him braid his beard long before they had even begun courting.

"Uncle you'll just have to climb up then!" Kili called down. "It's less akward if it's you!"

"Not only is he my nephew but I have a mate!" Thorin yelled back angrily. "What do you take me for?!"

"I'm not to into uncle touching my beard ethier." Fili said from the bed.

"Well I'd go down and get it myself but there's no way to get down, you can't exactly climb down."

"Alright everyone be quiet!" Bofur yelled. Everyone looked at him in shock, he never yelled. "Bombur can handle this."

"That I can. I have been with my wife for many years so I'm not shamed to touch anothers beard if it's only for a moment. Dwalin call up and ask Kili to hold onto Fili will you?" Most of the company looked at Bombur with a confused expression not realizing what he was up to. Dwalin however knew exactly what he was up to a grinned in amusment.

"Kili wrap your arms around Fili and hold on tight!" He yelled up. Kili looked back with a raised brow but did what he was told.

"I like this plan." Fili said wrapping his arms around Kili as well. Kili smirked and pressed himself as close as he could to Fili.

"Yeah me to, though I'm not exactly sure what the're trying to accomplish."

On the ground below Bombur was rubbing his hands together as he stepped to the base of the tower. Bilbo and the dwarves watched in shock as Bombur jumped up, grabbed Fili's beard, and just let his weight fall back to the ground. The company looked up to the sky in amazment as Fili and Kili went flinging through the air screaming loudly.

"Success!" Bofur said patting his brother on the back. "Good job."

"I can't believe you just did that." Bilbo said watching as the two brothers went whizzing through the air. They landed in the top of a loafty tree still screaming their heads off.

"We should probably go get them." Dwalin said chuckling as he followed Fili's beard trail.

"Bombur you've just launched my nephews through the air by Fili's beard." Thorin said looking at the fat dwarf who seemed awfully pleased with himself.

"Yes."

"Well done."

* * *

After rescuing Fili the witch was captured and killed. Fili's beard was cut back to it's original length and he and Kili were married. A few years later the halls of Erebor's castle were filed with little dwarf babies and everyone lived happily ever after.


End file.
